Being Nice vs. Being Kind: What Really Matters?


"Nice is not the same as kind. 
Nice is not the same as ethical. 
Nice is not the same as moral. 
The older I get, the less interested I am in ‘nice.’ Nice is the gift wrap; it says nothing about what’s inside.” 
– Unknown

When we think about the qualities that define a good person, “niceness” often tops the list. From a young age, we’re taught to be nice—to smile, to be polite, and to avoid conflict. But as we grow older, we begin to question the true value of being nice. Is it enough to simply be pleasant on the surface, or is there a deeper, more meaningful quality that we should strive for?

Nice vs. Kind: What’s the Difference?
At first glance, “nice” and “kind” might seem like interchangeable words. After all, both involve positive interactions with others. However, there’s a significant difference between the two.
  • Nice is often associated with superficial politeness and a desire to avoid conflict. It’s the external behavior that fits societal norms and expectations. Being nice might mean saying “please” and “thank you,” or smiling at a stranger.
  • Kind goes deeper. It’s about genuine compassion and empathy. Kindness involves understanding others’ needs, even when it might be inconvenient for you. It’s about doing what’s right, even if it’s not the easiest path.
For instance, a nice person might say the right words to someone in distress, while a kind person will actively listen and offer support, putting the other person’s needs before their own comfort.

Growing up, I had friends who were shyer and always described as nice. I started to notice that "nice" was never an adjective to describe me. I added it to the box of things that made me "less than" and moved on.

It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my sister that my perspective shifted. I was lamenting the fact that I wasn’t seen as nice and felt like I was failing some social expectation. Her response was both surprising and liberating: “Nice is boring.”
Her words were a revelation. It made me realize that being “nice” was never the end goal. It was the superficial layer of who I was, not the essence of my character. The "social norms" and "how's the weather" surface value we share because of culture. My neurodivergent self never really was good or liked hiding my emotions including hiding behind the mask of nice. Living in the South I got a healthy dose of surface level connection. Realizing that what was said to my face did not always match what was intended. And there was some unsaid social norm and cues I was missing out on. 

Reflecting on this, I’ve learned that kindness is about substance. It’s about being ethical and moral, even when it’s difficult. The truth isn't always nice but you can deliver it with kindness. 

Why “Nice” Isn’t Enough
Being nice can often mean maintaining appearances rather than addressing real issues. It’s the polite smile when you’d rather speak up. It’s the agreeable nod when you should voice a concern. Niceness can be superficial, a mask we wear to avoid confrontation or discomfort.
On the other hand, kindness demands authenticity. It’s about acting with integrity, showing empathy, and being willing to stand up for what’s right. It’s about being true to oneself and showing real concern for others.

As we move through life, it’s essential to remember that being kind is more impactful than simply being nice. It’s the difference between a smile and a hug, a polite gesture and a supportive action. Here are a few ways to cultivate kindness in your daily life:
  • Practice Empathy: Try to understand things from others’ perspectives and offer support.
  • Stand Up for Others: Speak up against injustices, even when it’s hard.
  • Act with Integrity: Make choices based on what is right, not just what is easy.
  • Be Genuine: Show your true self and build meaningful connections.

In the end, being “nice” might make you pleasant to be around, but being “kind” will make a lasting impact. It’s not about fitting into societal expectations but about who you are at your core. We are more connected on a deeper level when we are honest; honest yet also kind.

So, let’s focus on being kind rather than just nice. Let’s strive to make a difference through our actions, our compassion, and our integrity.

What are your thoughts on being nice versus being kind? Have you had experiences that challenged your understanding of these concepts? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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